How "It's a Wonderful Life" Should Have Ended

Sorry, I know this is a little dark (I swear I've actually been in a pretty good mood lately) - I just really hate this movie. I don't understand why people like it so much. Let's break it down:
     -  First, the protagonist gives up on his dreams
     -  Then, his life falls apart
     -  So, he attempts suicide
     -  He decides not to go through with it
     -  The townsfolk give him a pile of small bills
     -  And he returns to his miserable life
What's uplifting about this?

Rule to live by: If it isn't claymation, it isn't a Christmas movie.

California to London in 5 Hours? Yep

How do you leave California, stop in Orlando, Warsaw, Versailles, and Paris, and get to London in 5 hours? Just stay in Kentucky.

Sure, a lot of cities borrow their names from famous international locations, but this is ridiculous. They're basically all on the same road. It's like Kentucky is saying, "Hey! Where y'all goin'? No need to go anywhere else - I got everything you want right here."

PS - No one is reading this anyway, but I still feel bad about not posting anything in 5 weeks. I've been crazy busy lately, so I had to take some time off. My bad.

Narwhal Problems: Reluctant Sharing

My recent lack of blog activity has caused some serious self-loathing, so it feels good to finally get back on the horse. And what better way to get back into a regular blogging habit than with a narwhal comic? Right? 

Moral of the comic: If your fork is attached to your forehead and you don't have arms, you better learn how to share.

Tebow Mania: Falling For the Bait

After weeks of needless Tebow talk (e.g. Should he replace Mark Sanchez? Are they wasting his talent? Could he save the Jets? Did he take his shirt off?), the Jets (sans Tebow) finally gave a convincing performance last Sunday. That should quiet the speculation for at least one week, right? 

Wrong. If there isn't any Tebow news, people make Tebow news. All you need is a reporter willing to ask the ridiculous Tebow-related question, an attention-hungry coach (Rex Ryan) to respond with something like, "That's a possibility," and you have yourself 500 words of front-page news. ...Front-page news that will trap suckers like me.

Ann Romney Finds Mitt's Binders Full of Women

I don't really want to get too political on here, but I thought I should try to do something topical/relevant for a change.  I think I already missed the binder bandwagon though.  I draw too slowly... people are already moving on to other things, like this.

The Next Rosetta Stone

Of course it's tasty, but Sriracha is also the most worldly (and wordy) of all food products. With six different languages displayed on the bottle, I can't help but think it will serve a greater purpose someday.

In Defense of Bud Light: A Drinker's Manifesto

A lot of cool things are happening these days – organic foods are suddenly accessible, locally-owned stores and restaurants are hugely popular, talented people are becoming successful on the internet without waiting to be discovered, and microbrews outnumber the big brands at most new bars I see. In some areas, it seems creativity and quality now mean more than brand names and low prices. Suddenly, the underdogs have a shot against the corporate juggernauts.

            However, the same thing that feeds and nurtures these movements can also be what limits their appeal. To promote a grass-roots movement, you need a passionate, loyal, and outspoken support base. A strong core of vocal followers is necessary to spread the word and expand. But if these followers take things too far, they risk alienating the outsiders that are needed for growth. Supporting a movement is a delicate balancing act because it introduces the risk of violating the only two rules in this world:

1.    Everything in moderation.

2.    Don’t be a dick.

If you’re all about healthy foods, you have to understand that I, like most people, want Taco Bell and Pizza Rolls every now and then. If you’re into indie movies, you can’t give me a shitty look when I tell you I’m renting The Expendables 2 as soon as it comes out on Blu-Ray. And if you’re a fan of good beer, get off my ass when I order a Bud Light.

Don’t get me wrong – I like good beer, I just choose not to buy it on most occasions. Unfortunately, the best bars and restaurants are the most pretentious about beer selection. As a result, I've recently been faced with bartenders, waitresses, and other clowns who give me shit every time I order a Bud Light.

And so we return to the fanaticism issue. It’s ok to tell people that better beer choices exist, but when they decide to buy a cheap beer, leave them alone. When I get judged by a bartender or a co-worker because of my selection, I want to tell him I’m not stupid, or cheap, or uncultured. In fact, I used to drink good beer too. He may have just discovered the good stuff, but I’ve already gone through that phase.

When I could finally afford microbrews after college, I bought them all the time. I tried new beers every week, and most of them tasted great. However, I eventually decided it was time for a downgrade. When I switched to Bud Light, I had no idea I'd meet so much resistance. I didn't know I'd have to defend my selection. But, since I do, here it is...

Why I drink Bud Light:

1.    I know exactly how many I can drink.

·         It’s simple – if you stick with what you know, you’ll never be surprised. Even if I don’t feel it yet, I can think about how many I’ve had and know how drunk I’ll be when it hits me. Once you start trying new beers with varying alcohol content, an unexpected drunken night is bound to happen.

2.    I can drink it all night.

·         If I want to start early and drink until the bar closes, I don’t even need to slow down. If you want to do that with craft beers, good luck. I bet a few breaks will be necessary.

3.    It doesn’t give me a hangover.

·         When I drink a bunch of heavy beers all night, I’m going to wake up feeling like I was smacked with a brick. After a long night of Bud Lights, I may not feel amazing, but it’s a lot better than the alternative.

4.    I save money.

·         I’m not cheap, but it doesn’t make sense to spend extra money unless it produces additional benefits. Sure, craft beers taste better. And if I’m trying to be classy or I’m having a good dinner, it’s worth the money. Otherwise, no way. Same result (i.e. drunk), same amount of fun, much smaller (by 25-50%) bill.

5.    I’m left out of douchey beer conversations.

·        Does the brewery only make 20 kegs a year and require a blood oath to obtain it? Did the brewmaster wrestle a shark and rescue a 17th century pirate’s lost recipe? Fine, that sounds interesting. Otherwise, I don’t give a shit. I’ll be over here, talking to someone else.

I'm just saying there's room for all kinds. I hope the good beers keep coming; just remember to drink and let drink.

Easy Sports Predictions: Oregon's Random Drug Testing Plan

On Thursdsay, the University of Oregon announced that they will be instituting a new drug testing program, after ESPN reported the widespread marijuana use by the school's football players. This is certainly a noble idea, but there's no way this ends well. Right?

How to Write a Country Song

Most country songs use the same common themes - some songs talk about Jesus, some are about AmERicuh, and some are just about trucks, dirt roads, and beer. Country singers manage to overlap a couple of these themes from time to time, but they've avoided saying too much in one song. If it's all in one song, why would anyone want to listen to anything else?

Enter Brad Paisley, who just decided to blow up the whole industry. This truly has it all - religion, emotion, nostalgia, redneck stuff, stars & bars... nothing was spared. In fact, it includes so much content, there isn't anything left to say at all. There's really no reason to make more songs - people won't want to listen to 5 or 6 songs to get their full country fix when they can just turn on this little masterpiece and hear it all at once. It's like the all-in-one shampoo/conditioner/hand soap/body lotion... throw away all your other bottles - everything you need is in one convenient place.

So, I guess what I'm saying is - it's probably time to stop making country music. It was a good run, but everything comes to an end at some point. Luckily, country artists are all highly-educated and well-rounded people. They'll find other jobs in no time.

Election 2012: Buy American

Rule #1: Be relatable. Don't worry - this rule isn't that important. 

The Real Lion King Family Tree

I'm not saying, I'm just saying...

Realistic Expectations (Setting the Bar Low)

Garage bands are notorious for their "we're going to take over the world" idealism, even though that level of success is ridiculously unlikely. They would probably benefit from some more realistic expectations. 

But, I can't act like bands are the only ones who set the bar too high. Idealism gets the best of me, too. Take this blog, for example...

Tomayto / Potahto

America vs. the World: USA Says FU

Happy 4th of July. Does anyone else have other examples that I left out? Post your ideas in the Comments section below and I'll add the best one(s) to the picture.

Mondays: Lunch Meeting

...At least this would be a reasonable excuse to explain why it happens so often.

What Do Dogs Do All Day?

Yep, I'm resorting to dog and dick jokes already.

How to Be a Photographer

...5) Dominate my News Feed every day.

The 2012 Aztec Prophecy

The Aztecs had a prediction too... and theirs is actually correct.

What Jurassic Park Fans Think About (Raptors)

Ozzie Guillen Apologizes for Castro Remarks: Press Conference Transcript

Miami – April 10, 2012

Hello everyone, and welcome to my post-press conference press conference.  Oh, and thanks for bringing more cameras and microphones.

I want to clarify the recent comments that were made about Fidel Castro and explain how they have been misinterpreted.  As I mentioned in my previous press conference, this was all a big misunderstanding; I didn’t mean to say any of those things.  It was like a translation problem in my head – my mouth just didn’t understand what my brain wanted it to say.  So when I thought about saying I’m “surprised” that Castro is still in power, you guys heard me say I “love” and “admire” him.  It’s an easy mistake, really, but it’s just another example of the problem I’ve been dealing with my whole career – my mouth just doesn’t cooperate with what I tell it to say.

For example: remember that time everyone thought I used an offensive homosexual slur against that sports writer in Chicago?  I was really trying to tell him how much I respect his opinion and commend him for his journalistic integrity.  You guys just heard the wrong thing.  Or that time you thought you heard me blow up into a rant on that radio talk show, yelling profanities on the air?  I thought I was going to say, “Hey, Mike.  Thanks for having me on your show.  How’s your mother?”  Oh, and all those times I got ejected for yelling at umpires?  I was honestly just trying to ask them for their perspective and politely disagree.  Again, not my fault, but I’m sorry if you thought it was.

This brain to mouth thing even works the other way.  Like when I apologized earlier today, saying I’m “embarrassed” and “sad” – to get my mouth to say nice, apologetic things like that I had to think about saying, “You’re all idiots if you think I actually give a shit,” and “You can all go fuck yourselves.”  And now, when I want to talk about how hard I’m going to work to win back the respect of the Cuban community in Miami and thank the Marlins for giving me another chance, I have to think, “Apparently Cubans don’t buy enough tickets, or else I’d be fired by now.  So suck it, Cubans; you can’t bring down Ozzie Fucking Guillen.  And come on, who are we kidding?  I’ve been saying shit like this for years and I’m still getting paid.” 

See how hard this is for me?  I mean, I’m forced to apologize all the time, so you would think I'd be pretty good at it by now.  But because of my condition, I usually end up using the time to dodge the issue or insult the people I originally offended even more.  But I’m giving it a try today anyway – I want to talk to you all face-to-face, lay everything out on the table, act apologetic, make excuses, and get more attention from you suckers.  Ah, you see?  There it is.  I’m sorry that you misheard me again.  I was trying to say something super remorseful and endearing, but it looks like this apology isn’t going to work out either.  It’s cool though.  I mean, this happens a lot and it always ends up working out ok.  It’s just Ozzie being Ozzie, right?  Right.

So let’s just wrap this up.  You guys know the drill – I’ll probably keep quiet for a week or two until everyone calms down, then I’ll go back to doing my thing.  And if that means something like this happens again, so be it.  I can’t help what I say, so it’s not my fault.  But I’ll do you all a favor and apologize anyway.  You’re welcome.

Mondays: Early Start

Monday, 8:00am

Game Time: The Anti-March Madness Office Pool

The conference tournaments have come to a close and the field of 68 has been announced.  If you haven't noticed yet, it's time for March Madness.  It's time for upsets, Cinderella stories, excitement... it's pretty awesome.  But as much as I love it, the tournament has been losing its luster in recent years.

It's not really about the tournament itself; in fact, there seem to be more upsets and buzzer-beaters every year.  My problem is with the ridiculous popularity of the bracket pools.  More and more, the conversations and attention have turned toward picks and brackets instead of the actual games.

These pools used to be cool because they were supplementary - they added to the fun.  But now that they've become the focus of the entire event, they overshadow the things that really make it great.  Forget about the mass quantity of great games - people only care about how the results affect their standing in the office pool.  And the bracket bullshit is almost unavoidable at this point - it's promoted on every TV network, it's available on every sports website, you receive 47 invites to join bracket pools on Facebook... ESPN even shows Obama filling out his bracket every March.  

As if that weren't enough, we're also forced to listen to assholes talk about their brackets everywhere we go.  Stop by the water cooler at work and you're sure to be ambushed by idiots who feel the need to tell you how they're doing in their bracket pools.  Then, each one will reel off every team they picked to win as if you asked for a detailed list so you could keep track of their brackets too.  You may want to get in on the conversation, so you'll try to re-focus it on actual basketball.  So you'll say something about the huge upset or the amazing finish that happened the night before, but it won't work.  Someone will bitch about how the upset ruined his bracket because he picked the other team to get to the Final Four. Then, then the office "basketball expert" will chime in, complaining about how he should be winning because he knows more than everyone else.  Of course, you'll want to say that the unpredictability is the beauty of the event, and remind him that even the real experts on TV never get things right.  You'll want to tell him to relax because the secretary who picks based on mascot ferocity will win anyway.  But you won't.  You're in the minority - you'll look like a dick if you rock the boat.

So you're out of luck, right?  Wrong.  There's no reason you have to sit back and let all of these clowns ruin the fun for you.  Everyone and their grandmothers are filling out a bracket, so we should too.  Ours should just be a different kind of bracket.  Other people fill out brackets with basketball teams; we should fill out brackets with the assholes who won't shut up about their brackets.

So how do you play?  First, you need to select the assholes for your bracket.  Think about who will be the most obnoxious bracket pool idiots in your office.  Which guy is going to stop you in the hallway to tell you about all of the correct picks he made the previous night?  Which guy is going to bitch about his ruined bracket when a big upset happens?  Which guy thinks he's a sports expert, so he's guaranteed to tell everyone how smart he is when his bracket is looking good?  If you're playing alone, just make a list of 16 co-workers you think will be the most annoying during March Madness.  If you're playing with friends (ideal), hold a draft.  Start selecting the most annoying co-workers to your "team".  If one of the people you selected to your team turns out to be the biggest asshole at the end of the tournament, you win.

Here's how we'll determine which of your co-workers will be crowned champion of this prestigious competition:

1) Fill out the bracket with the people who were drafted.  Seed them according to the order in which they were picked.

2) When the tournament starts (March 13th), you start listening.  Find the people you picked and keep track of all the annoying shit they say about the tournament.  If they don't volunteer the comments unaided, help them out.  Try to egg them on and see what you can get them to say.

3) Keep a tally of your picks' points (see below).  For your first round match-ups, you'll keep track of everything said during the first three rounds of the actual tournament.  The winners of the round advance to square off in the second round, which corresponds with the Sweet Sixteen and the Elite Eight.  Your final two rounds will match up with the final two rounds of the tournament, so the final four office pool assholes will compete right alongside the final four college basketball teams.

4) The idiot who racks up the most points by making more annoying bracket comments on April 3rd (the day after the NCAA championship game) is the "champion", which means whoever selected him in the draft is the winner.

Here's the scoring system:

• 5 points:   Guy brings up his bracket unaided
• 5 points:   Guy lists 1-3 of his picks in one conversation
• 10 points: Guy lists 4-5 of his picks in one conversation
• 15 points: Guy lists 5+ picks in one conversation
• 10 points: Guy tells you how many teams in his bracket's Final Four are still remaining
• 10 points: Guy tells you what place he is in his pool/league
• 10 points: Guy lists picks from multiple bracket pools/leagues
• 10 points: Guy complains because he knows way more about basketball than others
• 15 points: Guy complains about the upset of a non-local team with a 1 or 2 seed
• 10 points: Guy mocks another guy for an incorrect pick

OK, now you're ready.  So go draft your squad, fill out your bracket, and for once, start enjoying the annoying shit your co-workers will say in the next few weeks.

(Click to enlarge/print)

Mondays: Elevator Small Talk

How About Some Privacy?

Two weeks ago, Mimi Alford, a former intern during John F. Kennedy's presidency, released a tell-all book detailing her 18-month affair with the iconic president.  Then last night, the second of a two-part documentary about former president Bill Clinton aired on PBS, calling attention to the Monica Lewinsky scandal yet again.  Now more than ever, we’re reminded that privacy no longer exists for high-profile members of today’s society.  It’s not enough that the media breaks new scandals featuring current politicians.  Now, the media is rehashing old scandals and digging up more in order to smear the names of our nation’s heroes.

Every member of the media knew JFK was messing around, but they had the decency to keep it quiet.  There were unwritten rules; some things were simply off-limits.  But at some point, everything changed.  Maybe it was when Nixon got himself caught that people began entertaining the ridiculous notion that politicians' personal lives have any impact on their ability to lead.  Whatever it was, some event brought an end to the rules of civility, starting a frightening trend that continues to this day.  Suddenly, journalists realized they got more attention when they wrote scandalous stories about politicians.  Sure, people have been printing negative commentary about our leaders since the dawn of America, but these could be written-off as biased rants and rumors from political opponents.  Now, the stories have become more shocking, more personal (the more the better), and now there is proof.

And it’s not just politicians (e.g. Herman Cain, Anthony Weiner, Larry Craig, etc.) anymore.  Today, musicians, wealthy businessmen, and athletes are under unrelenting scrutiny from the media, who are constantly waiting for the elites to falter so they can create a scandal and steal the spotlight.  In the past, rock stars got a free pass, the upper crust was untouchable, and athletes got away with everything.  Now, artists like Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, and Lil’ Wayne are persecuted for living lives they always dreamed about.  Now, rich people like Mitt Romney, billionaire sports owners, and CEOs are being condemned for wanting to make more money, and face constant pressure about how they choose to spend it.  Even athletes like Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, Julian Edelman, Sam Hurd, and Josh Hamilton (just to name a few) are suddenly unable to do whatever they please.

So why is this a problem?  It’s a problem because it’s eroding the incentives that once convinced aspiring, talented individuals to strive for the country’s most important positions of power.  The type of person who wants to be a president or senator wants power and perks.  Take away his ability to sleep with subordinates, enact policies that benefit his own interests, make guaranteed money from book deals and speaking engagements that in no way depend on his performance in the position, etc. and what’s left?  The kind that wants to be a rock star wants free drugs and an infinite supply of booze.  The guy who wants to be incredibly rich wants to use the money to act like an asshole.  And the type that wants to be an athlete wants the ability to do anything he feels like doing without the fear of repercussions.  If you take these incentives away, what’s left? 

Would-be politicians are already rich.  They already belong to important families with connections to lucrative jobs.  They’re already able to wield the power that came with their last names.  So if our most important political positions have nothing else to offer, how are we going to convince these qualified candidates to give up everything they already have?  At this point, it’s easier to sleep with the secretaries and interns at their current companies than to take a risk with a white house intern.  In fact, it’s easy to have an affair with the temp at the copy shop across the street – the media doesn’t care about regular people – why strive for anything at all?

If we continue to harass politicians and tarnish their names, they may be forced to stop taking the unwritten privileges that were once fundamental rights of the officeholder. Then they’ll realize there’s nothing left to encourage them to press on and these great men will give up on their dreams.  Soon, the only people left to fill these positions will be the fanatics who want to “serve their constituents”.  Who is going to grow up dreaming of being President of the United States of America?  Pussies – that’s who.  Next thing you know, we’ll have politicians who just want to be public servants, rock stars who “do it for the music”, rich people who don’t act like dicks, and athletes who are thankful for the opportunity to play games for a living.  Suddenly, we’re not America anymore.  I don’t even want to think about where this story ends. 

Seriously though, rock stars without drugs?  At least don’t take that away from us.  If nothing else, we still need good music.

Super Bowl XLVI: End of an Era?

Last Sunday’s Super Bowl was great.  It was an intriguing matchup that managed to live up to the hype.  Plus, the game was exciting enough to make people at the party shut up about their "famous" dip for a few minutes (they're all the same; nobody cares).  But while I was pretty psyched-up about the game, I wasn’t just interested in the football – I was watching for the commercials.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I love football – I was just looking for something special.  I’ve had my eye on a certain something that has been popping up in commercials over the past decade, and I was curious to see if the trend would continue through Super Bowl Sunday.

Back in 2000, a sports comedy debuted in theaters about a team of substitute pro football players who were called to play during a labor strike.  “The Replacements”, starring Keanu Reeves and Gene Hackman, produced a few laughs, but ultimately fell into the “Cheesy/Dumb Comedy Disguised as a Sports Movie Starring Unathletic Actors in Laughably Bad Sports Scenes” category (e.g. “The Waterboy”, “Rookie of the Year”, “Mr. 3000”, “Semi-Pro”, “Juwanna Man”, “Summer Catch”, etc.).  It’s certainly better than most/all of the other movies in that category, and it does find its way onto a cable channel from time to time, but the movie is all but forgotten at this point. 

However, one strange legacy from the movie remains – the jerseys used in the movie continue to show up all over the place.

I first noticed the jerseys in a Tinactin commercial around 2004 or 2005:

Then I started seeing them in other commercials (and I'm convinced I saw them in a music video too), but I never took note because I figured the trend would have to end soon.  I mean, there’s no way companies would continue to use the same uniforms that were just used in a half dozen other ads, right?  Wrong.  For the rest of the decade, the jerseys frequently popped up in commercials, leaving me baffled (and a little excited) every time.

But by the end of the decade, the appearances had slowed to the point that I thought it might be the end of the road for Keanu’s threads. Then in the past year, there was a sudden resurgence.  First, there was the Jared the Galleria of Jewelry commercial (Winter 2010-11):

Then in June, I saw an online banner ad for a new show called “Necessary Roughness”:

And just to throw in some variety, even the cheerleaders’ uniforms began to make appearances (Summer-Fall 2011):

I guess you have to hand it to the ad men/women in Hollywood for being so thrifty, but things were getting a little absurd.  I know it's cool to be green and everything, but nobody likes recycling that much.  And it seems I wasn’t the only one who noticed that things were getting out of hand because everything finally seemed to change at the end of this football season.  The start of the playoffs brought on a relative bevy of ads featuring unofficial football jerseys.  And to my surprise, the familiar red and blue unis never appeared.  In fact, some of the jerseys looked new and actually sort of cool.  Taco Bell and Prilosec used some basic red uniforms in their new ads, but at least they were different.  And French’s and AT&T pulled out all the stops, showing off some cool new digs in their TV spots:

So with this football jersey hot streak, and plenty of new jerseys to reuse in future ads, I was looking to the Super Bowl to signal the end of the “Replacements” Era.  I figured if I didn’t see the jerseys in a new Super Bowl commercial, I could reasonably expect to never see them again.  So what was the final tally?  Well, it was a little anticlimactic, but I got what I was expecting: 1 new jersey (presented by Bridgestone) and 0 new “Replacements” ads.  Of course, they showed (and are still showing) the Jared Jewelry commercial, but they can’t keep showing that forever, right? 

This is enough evidence for me – I think I can safely say that this period of jersey recycling is over.  I’m just not sure how I feel about it.  Bad movies should disappear, and football commercials are long overdue for an upgrade.  But I do think I’m going to miss this little game of “I Spy” next season.  I guess I’ll just have to pay attention to the football. 

Banana Timeline: Why I Eat Pop Tarts for Breakfast

Here Goes Nothing...

Well, I guess I just started a blog.

I'm not sure how you got here (though I'm guessing you're lost), but since you are here, I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself: I’m Geoff, and this is my blog.  I’ve wanted to start one of these for a while and I finally decided to pull the trigger.  That’s about it.

So what’s this blog about?  I’m not sure, really.  What kind of stuff will I post?  I don’t know; I like to draw a little, so I’ll probably post some (bad) drawings.  A lot of things annoy me, so I’ll probably talk about those things pretty often.  And I’m forced to spend my days in a white collar prison (i.e. office) with people I wouldn’t otherwise speak to (i.e. co-workers), so I’ll likely use some posts complaining about that.  Aside from that, who knows.

Anyway, thanks for coming to the blog – I hope it doesn’t suck.  I mean, I know I can do better than at least a few of the clowns who put stuff on the internet.

So, assuming I actually stick with this ridiculous idea (you could call me a bit of a quitter), I hope you keep coming back.  I think this could end up being pretty cool.

So, here goes nothing…