A blog about nothing in particular, with puns, drawings, and charts because I'm too lazy to write a lot.
All originial content by @DuckSauceGeoff

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Ozzie Guillen Apologizes for Castro Remarks: Press Conference Transcript

Miami – April 10, 2012

Hello everyone, and welcome to my post-press conference press conference.  Oh, and thanks for bringing more cameras and microphones.

I want to clarify the recent comments that were made about Fidel Castro and explain how they have been misinterpreted.  As I mentioned in my previous press conference, this was all a big misunderstanding; I didn’t mean to say any of those things.  It was like a translation problem in my head – my mouth just didn’t understand what my brain wanted it to say.  So when I thought about saying I’m “surprised” that Castro is still in power, you guys heard me say I “love” and “admire” him.  It’s an easy mistake, really, but it’s just another example of the problem I’ve been dealing with my whole career – my mouth just doesn’t cooperate with what I tell it to say.

For example: remember that time everyone thought I used an offensive homosexual slur against that sports writer in Chicago?  I was really trying to tell him how much I respect his opinion and commend him for his journalistic integrity.  You guys just heard the wrong thing.  Or that time you thought you heard me blow up into a rant on that radio talk show, yelling profanities on the air?  I thought I was going to say, “Hey, Mike.  Thanks for having me on your show.  How’s your mother?”  Oh, and all those times I got ejected for yelling at umpires?  I was honestly just trying to ask them for their perspective and politely disagree.  Again, not my fault, but I’m sorry if you thought it was.

This brain to mouth thing even works the other way.  Like when I apologized earlier today, saying I’m “embarrassed” and “sad” – to get my mouth to say nice, apologetic things like that I had to think about saying, “You’re all idiots if you think I actually give a shit,” and “You can all go fuck yourselves.”  And now, when I want to talk about how hard I’m going to work to win back the respect of the Cuban community in Miami and thank the Marlins for giving me another chance, I have to think, “Apparently Cubans don’t buy enough tickets, or else I’d be fired by now.  So suck it, Cubans; you can’t bring down Ozzie Fucking Guillen.  And come on, who are we kidding?  I’ve been saying shit like this for years and I’m still getting paid.” 

See how hard this is for me?  I mean, I’m forced to apologize all the time, so you would think I'd be pretty good at it by now.  But because of my condition, I usually end up using the time to dodge the issue or insult the people I originally offended even more.  But I’m giving it a try today anyway – I want to talk to you all face-to-face, lay everything out on the table, act apologetic, make excuses, and get more attention from you suckers.  Ah, you see?  There it is.  I’m sorry that you misheard me again.  I was trying to say something super remorseful and endearing, but it looks like this apology isn’t going to work out either.  It’s cool though.  I mean, this happens a lot and it always ends up working out ok.  It’s just Ozzie being Ozzie, right?  Right.

So let’s just wrap this up.  You guys know the drill – I’ll probably keep quiet for a week or two until everyone calms down, then I’ll go back to doing my thing.  And if that means something like this happens again, so be it.  I can’t help what I say, so it’s not my fault.  But I’ll do you all a favor and apologize anyway.  You’re welcome.